IT’S a difficult subject to tackle – but we need to have the discussion. Domestic violence is typically hidden from plain view, but remains a very serious issue for our society.

A ’Women’s Refuge,’ was set up by a group of Warrnambool women in 1976. It was designed to be a safe environment free of violence and abuse, for women and children to escape to. At the time of its inception, there was a belief that ‘there is no problem in this area – it just happens in the cities’. Far from being the truth – women and children in country and farming areas have as great a risk of domestic violence as anywhere.

The statistics reveal that one woman dies every week at the hands of her partner or ex-partner.

Authorities are still having difficulty in grasping the full extent of the danger.

So, what is domestic violence (DV)?

To get a better understanding of what domestic violence is, and the support that is available – I caught up with chairperson of the board of Emma House, Gabrielle Toscan (GT).

GT: “I know that feeling safe at home is not something everyone has and our job at Emma House is to support women and children who have experienced family violence to live a life free from family violence and feel safe and protected in their homes. As a lawyer I’m committed to improving women’s access to justice and the legal right to live free from violence. Our wraparound service helps women and their children claim this right.”

JF: How long has Emma House existed, and what services do you provide?

GT: Emma House was started by volunteers more than 40 years ago and these brave women worked together with few legal protections or places for women fleeing domestic violence to take shelter.

We now provide a range of services for women and their children from refuge services, legal services, crisis accommodation, counselling and a range of other supports including safety audits. We work with other agencies in the south-west such as Windamara, Gunditjmara and Brophy at the Orange Door. We provide a duty lawyer at each of the courts in the south-west so that if women turn up to court, they have a friendly and supportive lawyer to support them with their family violence matter.

JF: What is family and domestic violence? Is coercive behaviour a form of domestic violence, and what is it?

GT: Domestic violence is when a partner, family member or ex uses threatening, controlling or violent behaviour that makes you feel scared or afraid. Family violence is not just physical violence. It can involve many harmful, abusive behaviours. This can include threats, stalking, putdowns, strangling, hitting, sexual abuse, limiting contact with others, monitoring who you speak to, controlling you or your finances or restricting your access to healthcare and essentials. Coercive Family violence is when a partner, family member or ex uses threats or control – it’s a type of family violence and controlling behaviour as defined by the Family Violence Protection Act is against the law in Victoria.

These quotes illustrate some of the impacts of coercive control on victim/survivors:

“The most distressing thing I lost was me, my [self-worth]. Couldn’t think straight, even to the point I couldn’t write a shopping list: I couldn’t concentrate. I was always worried that I may do or say the wrong thing. It is so hard to describe the mental torment, always questioning yourself. Never being able to comprehend that this person who is supposed to love me can hurt you so badly.”

“He set out to destroy me on every level possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. All of it was intentional and planned.”

“It is the prevalence and the all-encompassing awareness that you are living with something that is dangerous – life threatening. That fact slowly and methodically eats away at your self-awareness and ability to make decisions. All your decisions are about self-preservation and how safe you are from day to day and hour to hour.”

Readers can find out more about the law from Safe and Equal online at https://safeandequal.org.au/resource-library/ or the Women’s Legal Service at https://www.womenslegal.org.au/

JF: If we suspect that someone is suffering from domestic violence – what is the best approach to help them?

GT: It can be hard to tell whether what someone is experiencing is family violence. They might be reluctant to acknowledge the abuse or may not realise that’s what is happening. It’s important that you don’t ignore or dismiss the warning signs. Your help can make a big difference.

Common warning signs

They’ve withdrawn from loved ones.

Someone is controlling or tracking their actions, money or movements.

They seem afraid when their partner, ex or family member is around, or tell you they feel scared.

They mention that person’s jealousy or temper.

They seem anxious or depressed.

They’re often criticised or humiliated by that person.

The person often speaks for them or undermines their credibility.

They’ve got cuts, bruises or other injuries.

It’s hard to catch them on their own.

You hear aggressive arguments coming from the house.

What you can do

It takes a lot of strength and courage to tell someone about violence or abuse. If someone opens up to you, it’s important that you listen without interrupting, believe them and take the abuse seriously. Many people worry they’ll be interfering or scared they might say the wrong thing. But if you observe any of the signs, taking the next step and offering your support can make a real difference.

If you’re worried someone you know may be experiencing family violence, ask if they are safe and if there’s anything you can do to help.

 Wait until you have an opportunity to speak with the person alone and approach the conversation sensitively and empathetically. Don’t pressure them to talk if they are uncomfortable. Be patient, and let them know you’re there if they need to talk.

Ask how things are going at home.

If you know someone who is unsafe at home, the best thing you can do is tell them about specialist family violence services such as Emma House, South West CASA and in the Wimmera the Sexual Assault and Family Violence Centre who can offer professional support. We are ready to help.

You can connect friends and family with our services and other professional support, as Family violence and abuse can be very isolating.

Try to reach out regularly over the phone, on social media, or by email. It's also important to respect someone's wishes if they ask you to contact them less often.

Questions you can ask:

What can I do to help you?

How is the behaviour affecting you?

How is the behaviour affecting your children?

What are you afraid of if you leave?

What are you afraid of if you stay?

Do you suspect someone may be experiencing abuse?

Visit our ‘Is someone you know unsafe at home?’  website.

You can say you don’t have to face this alone. If you are experiencing abuse, there is support available. There are services available such as Emma House to help. They can work with you to explore your options to keep you and your family safe.

JF: Domestic Violence affects whole families including the children – are there services available for the children of a family suffering from DV?

GT: Yes, there are many services including Emma House we have a small team of children specialists and other services through the Orange Door, Brophy, Bethany, SW CASA that support children.

JF: What do you need and how can the public help?

GT: Emma House is a not-for-profit organisation and any donations over $2 are tax deductible. All donations no matter how small are gratefully accepted.

Your readers can help by learning about family violence and understanding the signs, speaking out for gender equality, women and girls’ rights and the right of all people to live free from violence. Everyone in our community can make a difference. Just last week we had an employer come to us as one of his employees was experiencing severe DV. Because of his actions his employee is now safe from her terrible ordeal and Emma House are assisting with her recovery. It takes us all to make a change and I’d love to see a South West community where women and their children know they can live full safe happy lives.

JF: Do you run any campaigns?

GT: We support local, state and global campaigns that aim to end family violence and all forms of violence. Each year we celebrate the 16 Days of Activism to end violence against women held in many towns and cities across the world.

We are also a member of Safe and Equal our peak body and we have asked the Victorian government for more funding to support all of our organisations working to end violence.

We also work with agencies such as Women’s Health Barwon South West to address the underlying case of violence again women – gender inequality and social and legal norms in our society that support violence. Prevention is critical. For more information, please see website and Our Watch web site

Getting help

If you are in immediate danger, call the police on triple zero (000).

The Orange Door Ph 1800 271 180

Emma House Ph 5561 1934 or 1800EMMADV 1800 366 238

SW CASA PH: 03 5564 4144

SAFVC Ph: 03) 5222 4318

If you need an interpreter or translator, call the National Translating and Interpreting Service on 13 14 50 and ask them to contact the support service.

safe steps – support for women and children experiencing family violence – phone 1800 015 188 (24 hours) or webchat online at safesteps.org.au

Men’s Referral Service – confidential support for men at risk of using family violence – phone 1300 766 491 (7 days, varying hours) or online at ntv.org.au

InTouch – tailored support for women from migrant and refugee communities experiencing family violence, available in many languages – phone 1800 755 988 (Monday-Friday, 9am-5pm).

If you recognise it, if you see it – report it. Let’s call it for what it is – Domestic Violence.